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Dominic Corry takes a peek at some of the cringiest sex scenes shown on the big screen.As I write this, I have not yet seen Fifty Shades of Grey, the breathlessly anticipated film adaptation of the fan fiction-derived publishing phenomenon which hits cinemas all around the globe this week.
The 90s were a boom time for bad movie sex, and this is Hall of Fame level in that so much money, time and effort has gone into having two movie stars do their best to replicate the poses, attitudes, and moods of two people on Cinemax who are probably thinking, “At least I’m not doing hardcore in someone’s leased house in the Valley.” Poor Sharon Stone.When Constance first has sex with Parkin in Pascale Ferran’s Lady Chatterley, you can see it on her face: she’s confused, she’s horrified, she’s curious, she’s unsure of herself.It’s the sexiest scene in one of the sexiest movies of all time, because it’s awkward. There’s no one way that women need to be portrayed, just as there’s no one way that people like to have sex.If you jump from A to D and you haven’t properly prepared the audience, it’s jarring. I’ll never forget seeing In the Cut in a very big theater in the middle of the day, packed with people.I was beside myself with arousal, and I hadn’t at all expected to be.Jane March - who previously starred in the don't-watch-it-with-your-parents sexy arthouse drama The Lover (1992), not altogether un-cringey itself - plays the mysterious and (spoiler!
) boy-ish vixen with whom Bruce begins a passionate affair.
Even in the unlikely event that it ends up being the classiest mainstream sex drama since say, Philip Kaufman's Henry & June (1990) or Jean-Jacques Beineix's Betty Blue (1986), I am reasonably confident there will be plenty of cringe-inducing moments. To celebrate my presumption, I am going to cite here my favourite cringey movie sex scenes from the past few decades.
Best to start off with the most legendarily cringey sex scene in cinema history, the squirm-inducing nightmare by which all other cringey sex scenes are judged.
She has to look non-disgusted while lying on her back in a communal shower and getting pounded by Stallone.
For that alone she should have gotten an Oscar nomination. Perhaps no director of note has less interest in sex (I mean, in its cinematic manifestations) than does Steven Spielberg; when he attempts to pretend that he has any, he still manages to prove that he’s a serious man with more serious things on his mind, as he does in “Munich,” resulting in a howler of a flashback that he couldn’t have done better if he’d meant it as a joke.
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